The #1 Communication Mistake All Couples Make
Do you keep making the same communication mistakes over and over in your relationship? Perhaps you’ve noticed some patterns where every time you try to talk to each other you end up in an argument or disagreement.
The fascinating thing about working with couples for the last 15 years is I’ve noticed many couples make the same communication errors all the time.
You’re not listening
Yep, you guessed it. The #1 communication mistake all couples make is they don’t listen.
I have an essential question for you to ask yourself the next time you’re listening to your partner:
“Are you truly listening, or are you just waiting to talk?”
When you’re listening to your partner, there’s probably a good chance a lot of the time you’re just formulating what to say next.
When you’re thinking about what to say instead of listening, it’s a big problem because you’re not present to what the speaker is saying. This means you’re not hearing the message being delivered – you’re part of a monologue instead of a dialogue.
Here are my 3 tips for how to improve your communication in your relationship:
1. Set the scene for listening
It’s essential that you create an environment for effective listening. I recommend you sit directly in front of your partner, look her in the eyes, and turn off any distractions so that you can focus completely on one another.
As you’re listening to your partner, you don’t need to respond. Just listen and focus on being completely present and engaged with her.
2. Validate, acknowledge, and empathise
Now you need to do something that’s more important than sharing your own view.
Begin to respond by validating, acknowledging and empathising.
- Validate: let your partner know what you are hearing. Affirm that you understand this is the way he see things.
- Acknowledge: Reflect what you’re hearing as a way of letting your partner feel acknowledged.
- Empathise: Use your skills of empathy to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and imagine what it feels like for her. You could simply say, “Oh, that sounds really awful. I’m so sorry to hear this.”
Focusing on validating and empathising will help your partner feel heard and understood.
3. Don’t solve problems or offer advice
If your partner comes to you to discuss an issue or is in distress, it can be very tempting to immediately provide solutions and give advice. It’s a natural human response to want to rescue someone who is in pain, especially someone you love.
Don’t do this. If you feel compelled to offer advice or solutions, then give your partner the option to say yes or no. You can say, “As I’m listening to you, I have some ideas and possible solutions that might be helpful for you. Would you like to hear them?”
This invitation gives your partner the opportunity to accept or decline so he can decide what would be most helpful in that moment.
If you focus on these three simple tips when you’re next communicating with your partner, your partner is more likely to feel heard, understood, and supported. And why wouldn’t you want that in any relationship?
Watch the video below of sex therapist Esther Perel speaking about which communication style intensifies conflict:.
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